The Hard Cold Truth

The Ensuing Battle:
I began losing weight last year for which I am especially proud since I had lost a total of 30 pounds. Sadly however, I have gained back eight pounds. I have been toying with the idea to create a special blog that I can document my weight loss journey in. I have learned that I truly do best when I write down my feelings and then share them in some public way. So here I am blogosphere spilling my guts out to you about my battle of the bulge!

Current Weight: gulp please be kind!
192.8

How did this happen?:
Surface Reasons:
I recently returned back to College and despite the best of intentions, I have not been working out since August of last year. I have been watching my food intake fairly well but not documenting it or tracking it at all. I also allowed my Weight Watchers membership go and that has severely debilitated me! I have also been struggling with SAD seasonal affect disorder. A disorder in which I am depressed during the winter months due to a lack of sufficient sunlight. I have struggled severely this year with it and I have found that I am more tired and exhausted. Getting good grades, taking care of my family and other incidentals of that nature have become my priorities.

The Hard Cold Truth:
Honestly it also scared the heck out of me to see myself changing. I got really scared! I hide behind the weight in an effort to disguise feelings that I don't want to deal with. I am afraid of being truly honest and sharing with others my personal struggles. I was date raped in College when I was 19 years old and as a deterrent from ever being victimized again I immediately gained weight. I have come to associate me being thin with being raped. It was a horrendous time in my life that has forever altered and changed me. I am afraid of ever going back there again. However by not disclosing my struggles and feelings I have given more power to the rape then if I would have disclosed it openly to others. My husband is well aware of the situation as well as my Priesthood leaders and I am working with an amazing therapist and therapy group to help me overcome this personal struggle. But aside from these people I have never told anyone about my stuggles. I have volunteered for Women shelters and rape prevention programs but I have never openly admitted that I am a survivor. I think that I have been to afraid of how others would perceive me or treat me. I have hidden behind the shame and allowed it to take control of my life. I have not had the courage to openly admit that I was hurt badly and that I am working hard everyday to restore peace into my life. I have done a great diservice to myself for which I would like to openly rectify. I want to be well and healthy again and I think that by first being honest about why I struggle with food will truly help me to overcome it. You are welcome to come along with me and hear about my stuggles and triumphs with food or you may chose to sit this one out. I will not hold it against you! I understand that it may be hard to hear about the feelings or thoughts that I have to share and so I completely and totally understand if your not able to go along with me on this journey.

Master Plan:
Here is my master plan, I think that if I write honestly about my feelings, document my food and fitness journal and try to write about my feelings versus stuffing them down with food. And if I am feeling especially courageous then I will also include some pictures. But then again that might be pressing my luck!!